Sometimes when I practice tai chi, it is wonderful and beguiling
and fulfilling. Sometimes when I practice, I realize that I am a total
mess. My back is stiff; I'm still leaning forward after all these
years; I can’t stop my mind; I can't slow down; I’m bored; I can't
sink; I can't relax…and so on.
Daily practice is difficult. So often there is the temptation to
skip it. Though I usually make up some reason ("It's the dog’s
fault," or "The furniture is in the way" or “I just have to do one
more thing on the computer”), the truth is that I am avoiding
myself.
Encountering Yourself
Encountering yourself isn't always so comfortable. Yet, if you allow
the encounter, there’s a big harvest. This meeting yourself is one
way that tai chi is a spiritual discipline.
Can you meet yourself each morning and evening in all your
imperfections—and relax? Can you accept that you don’t do tai chi
perfectly—and relax? Can you feel the tension in your body—and
relax? Can you face yourself—and relax?
Relaxing your body is only part of it. Can you relax your mind?
Our minds get in the way of grasping tai chi: “I can't do this…I
can't remember…What comes next?…I'm not as good as the other
people in the class…I'll never be able to relax my shoulders…” Can
you let go of this litany—and just relax?
Inner Strength
Real inner strength comes from knowing yourself and accepting
that you are where you are today. When you relax with yourself,
willing to be a beginner, willing to be exactly who and where you
are, this self-acceptance will bring enormous benefits in personal
healing. As you are more open to yourself, you will be more open
to people and situations in your life.
Thus you don’t really learn tai chi in your weekly class. You
learn tai chi at home during your daily practice, being present to
yourself and relaxing with yourself. Whatever level you are, from
beginner to advanced, this task of meeting yourself continues.
Your teachers have their struggles with practice, just as you do.
This inner aspect of tai chi is much more important than the outer
aspect of what the postures may look like.
Relax
Thus, let go of the idea of doing tai chi “right” or “wrong.” There
isn’t any wrong: you are practicing correctly for your body at this
time.
Rather, consider, “Where are my tensions?” and “How can I be
more relaxed and in accord with tai chi principles?” Don’t do it by
force—simply allow yourself to be less tense and more in balance.
In your daily practice, encounter yourself and relax. Just relax. It’s
a great feeling.
© 2012 Edna Brandt
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